Self-compassion, a Buddhist concept/practice, has been around for thousands of years. Thanks to researchers and clinicians such as Kristin Neff, Ph.D. and Chris Germer, Ph.D. , who developed the Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program (centerformsc.org), we now have over 30 years of research demonstrating the multitude of benefits. Why, then, is it so difficult to be kind to ourselves in the midst of suffering? Allow me to introduce (or reintroduce) you to self-compassion. It is well worth your time to hone this practice.
Learning to embrace yourself and your imperfections gives you the resilience needed to thrive (Germer & Neff).
Self-Compassion is comprised of three components: mindfulness (versus over-identification), common humanity (versus isolation) and self-kindness (versus self-criticism).
Mindfulness
To be self-compassionate, mindfulness is the first step - we need to be able to observe, turn toward and acknowledge when we're suffering, to be with our pain long enough to respond with care and kindness. This is the opposite of
"This is a moment of pain."
Common Humanity
A sense of interconnectedness is central to self-compassion. It's recognizing that all human beings are flawed, works-in-progress - that everyone fails, makes mistakes, and experiences hardship in life. It's easy to fall into the trap of believing that things are supposed to go well and that something has gone wrong when they don't. Of course it's highly likely - in fact inevitable - that we'll make mistakes and experience hardships on a regular basis. This is completely normal and natural. But we don't tend to be rational about these matters. Instead, not only do we suffer, we feel isolated and alone in our suffering. When we remember that pain is part of the shared human experience, however, every moment of suffering is transformed into a moment of connection with others.
"Pain is a natural part of life."
Self-Kindness
When we make a mistake or fail in some way, we are more likely to beat ourselves up than to be compassionate. Self-kindness counters this tendency so that we're as caring toward ourselves as we are to others. Rather than being harshly critical when noticing personal shortcomings, we are supportive and encouraging and aim to protect ourselves from harm. Instead of attacking and berating ourselves for being inadequate, we offer ourselves warmth and unconditional acceptance. Similarly, when external life circumstances are challenging and feel too difficult to bear, we actively soothe and comfort ourselves.
"May I be kind to myself. May I give myself the compassion I need."
Resistance to Self-Compassion... and What the Research Actually Shows
Common misconception: Self-compassion is throwing a pity party for poor me.
Self-compassion is actually the antidote to self-pity. Self-compassionate people are more likely to engage in perspective taking, rather than focusing on their distress. They are also less likely to ruminate on how bad things are, which is one of the reasons self-compassionate people have better mental health. When we are self-compassionate, we remember that everyone struggles from time to time (common humanity), and we don't exaggerate or invalidate the extent of our pain (mindfulness).
Common misconception: It's for weak people. I have to be tough to get through my life.
Self-compassion is a reliable source of inner strength that confers courage and enhances resilience when we're faced with difficulties. Research shows that self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce, trauma or chronic pain.
Common misconception: I need to think more about other people, not myself. Being self-compassionate is way too selfish and self-absorbed.
Giving compassion to ourselves actually enables us to give more to others in relationships. Research shows self-compassionate people tend to be more caring and supportive in romantic relationships, are more likely to compromise in relationship conflicts, and are more compassionate and forgiving towards others.
Common misconception: Self-compassion will make me lazy.
Compassion inclines us toward long-term health and well-being, not short-term pleasure. Research shows that self-compassionate people engage in healthier behaviors like exercise, eating well, drinking less, and going to the doctor more regularly.
Common misconception: If I'm compassionate to myself, I'll let myself slack off. I need to be hard on myself when I mess up to make sure I don't hurt other people.
Actually, self-compassion provides the safety needed to admit mistakes rather than needing to blame someone else for them. Research shows that self-compassionate people take greater personal responsibility for their actions and are more likely to apologize if they've offended someone.
Common misconception: I will never get to where I want in life if I let up on my harsh self-criticism for even one moment. It's what drives me to succeed. Self-compassion is fine for some people, but I have high standards and goals I want to achieve in my life.
The most common misgiving people have about self-compassion is that it might undermine their motivation to achieve. Most people believe self-criticism is an effective motivator, but it's not. Self-criticism tends to undermine self-confidence and leads to fear of failure. If we are self-compassionate, we will still be motivated to reach our goals - not because we're inadequate as we are, but because we care about ourselves and want to reach our full potential. Research shows that self-compassionate people have high personal standards; they just don't beat themselves up when they fail. This means that they are less afraid of failure and are more likely to try again and to persist in their efforts after failing.
How to Become Self-Compassionate
Practice: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/
Work with a therapist who is knowledgeable about self-compassion
Attend a MSC training: https://centerformsc.myshopify.com/collections/beginner
Learn more about self-compassion (see resources below)
Resources:
Information above from The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive by Christopher Germer, Ph.D. (www.chrisgermer.com) and Kristin Neff, Ph.D. (www.self-compassion.org); https://a.co/d/eqbGV8I
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. https://a.co/d/9PDjLYK
Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive Kristin Neff, Ph.D. https://a.co/d/ca9yRow
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions by Christopher Germer, Ph.D. https://a.co/d/dazRrd7
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